As November has gone on I have been reminded of the beautiful friendships I have made over these past three months.
Let me take you on a little walk down memory lane.
August 15th 2013: The Night the Floodgates Burst Open
This was the day that my entire summer had been leading
up to. The day I kissed reality goodbye, and in return,
reality reared back and kicked me in the face...hard.
This was the day that I ate the worst lunch of my life.
Sitting in a dingy Mexican restaurant, pushing my rice around
my plate, trying with all of my might to look anywhere other
than in the faces of my family. I knew that that meal was the
only thing separating my comfortable, sweet, consistent life
from my completely new, scary, unknown future.
As we finished the meal, walked out the restaurant door, and
loaded into the van, my entire 18.95 years of life flashed
before my eyes.
I saw myself in elementary school, oblivious to how quick
time was passing. I saw myself in middle school, unaware of
how much I would miss those years. I saw myself in high
school, wishing away time and yearning for the day I got to
say "PEACE" to my final days as a "regular student".
I saw myself slowly losing control of the life I had felt
so in control of. I saw that my hands had no control over the
reins that guided my life. I saw that time slips through my
fingers as smooth as sand.
Up until this point, I had held myself together. But as we
rounded the corner and pulled into the parking lot of my new
"home" tears began to overflow my eyes and my chest began
to cave in.
I yearned to be back in elementary school,
I craved the days of my middle school years,
I BEGGED God to let me return to high school.
And still, the car moved on and my new reality rolled out its
red carpet.
As the car came to a stop and the (DREADFUL, HORRIBLE,
PAINFUL) goodbyes began,
I felt the floor fall out from beneath me.
I saw my life dissolve in front of my eyes.
I was helpless.
This is a day that is STILL painful for me to remember. I sit
here BAWLING as I type this. The pain of saying goodbye to
the people you hold dearest and the sting of watching them
drive off without you is the most painful thing I have ever
experienced.
I posted about the night of August 15th here:
How Sweet The Father's Love For Us
And yes, this account is completely true...but it is missing a few details of the hell I was living in that night.
1: I had composed myself and was unloading some of my belongings when I came across a letter my mom had slipped into some of my clothes. Let me put it this way...I STILL can't read that letter without melting onto the floor and longing to be near her. Twas painful to read, my friends.
2: I have absolutely NO CLUE how I did not scare the crud out of my roommate and why she did not immediately request a change in roommates. I just have to say, the shower is not the place to be when someone is sad...it is too easy to cry there. So I took advantage of a private place to pour my sadness out in and believed whole-heartedly that I would be able to pull myself together by the time my shower was over. Boy was I WRONG. If anything, I worked myself up to the biggest meltdown SBU has ever seen. I sat on my loft completely helpless, WEEPING, while Abbi was sitting on her side of the room looking like she has absolutely zero clue what to do (HOW WOULD SHE?!). At some point, she offered up her help and comfort and I think I was too far gone at that point to come back. Sorry Abs.
3: I called my parents the next morning DEMANDING that they jump in the car and come to get me. I sat on the phone with a continuous stream of tears running down my face as I listened to my heartbroken parents (who were melting down too, I can promise you that much)assure me that I was meant to be at SBU and tell me that no, they would not be coming to get me. Probably the
toughest phone conversation any of us have ever been apart of.
Now.
Present day.
I AM BLESSED. I have been through the desert, and the Lord has been faithful. These past three months of new reality hold some of the worst and best days of my life.
I have seen Christ in a new light.
I have learned how to trust Him in a new way.
I have learned how to hold on to Him tighter.
I have learned how to lean on Him and no one else.
I have learned how great and massive His love is for me.
I have learned how beautiful He is...even in the worst of times.
And lemme tell you...HE IS BEAUTIFUL.
All through high school I struggled with loneliness. I felt like nobody wanted me. I spent many nights alone or cuddled up in my living room watching Dateline with my parents. These were nights that I begged God to give me someone...ANYONE. I desired to have reliable, Jesus-loving, solid friends. I wanted to be a part.
But, as always, it was always His plans, not mine.
Because, you see, I have no control.
Praise Him for that.
My control would have gotten me absolutely nowhere.
And how sweet that is.
And how thankful I am.
No, I was not always hanging out with friends during my teenage years. I wasn't at parties or running around with huge groups of people.
But I was growing.
I was growing in my independence.
I learned what it means to be alright with being alone.
I was growing in patience.
I learned what it means to wait on the Lord.
I was growing in my family.
I learned that they will always be here to support me.
This all leads me to the land of milk and honey that the Lord was directing me towards.
I HAVE FRIENDS...
Not "friends"...
FRIENDS.
These people know me.
love me.
pray for me.
pray with me.
laugh with me.
laugh at me laughing.
accept me.
And I am thankful for them.
These friends are the people I was so desperate for for so many years. They were exactly who I asked God for. And, it may have taken some time, but He heard me. And He gave me the desires of my heart. It took me falling on my face multiple times and being re-reminded that He has full control, but my desires lined up with His and He blessed me. BIG TIME.
Let me introduce you to my friends:
These are the girls who have given me a look into what having sisters must be like. Amy, Nicole, Kelsey, and Megan.
These are the people I spend nearly all of my time with.
up to. The day I kissed reality goodbye, and in return,
reality reared back and kicked me in the face...hard.
This was the day that I ate the worst lunch of my life.
Sitting in a dingy Mexican restaurant, pushing my rice around
my plate, trying with all of my might to look anywhere other
than in the faces of my family. I knew that that meal was the
only thing separating my comfortable, sweet, consistent life
from my completely new, scary, unknown future.
As we finished the meal, walked out the restaurant door, and
loaded into the van, my entire 18.95 years of life flashed
before my eyes.
I saw myself in elementary school, oblivious to how quick
time was passing. I saw myself in middle school, unaware of
how much I would miss those years. I saw myself in high
school, wishing away time and yearning for the day I got to
say "PEACE" to my final days as a "regular student".
I saw myself slowly losing control of the life I had felt
so in control of. I saw that my hands had no control over the
reins that guided my life. I saw that time slips through my
fingers as smooth as sand.
Up until this point, I had held myself together. But as we
rounded the corner and pulled into the parking lot of my new
"home" tears began to overflow my eyes and my chest began
to cave in.
I yearned to be back in elementary school,
I craved the days of my middle school years,
I BEGGED God to let me return to high school.
And still, the car moved on and my new reality rolled out its
red carpet.
As the car came to a stop and the (DREADFUL, HORRIBLE,
PAINFUL) goodbyes began,
I felt the floor fall out from beneath me.
I saw my life dissolve in front of my eyes.
I was helpless.
This is a day that is STILL painful for me to remember. I sit
here BAWLING as I type this. The pain of saying goodbye to
the people you hold dearest and the sting of watching them
drive off without you is the most painful thing I have ever
experienced.
I posted about the night of August 15th here:
How Sweet The Father's Love For Us
And yes, this account is completely true...but it is missing a few details of the hell I was living in that night.
1: I had composed myself and was unloading some of my belongings when I came across a letter my mom had slipped into some of my clothes. Let me put it this way...I STILL can't read that letter without melting onto the floor and longing to be near her. Twas painful to read, my friends.
2: I have absolutely NO CLUE how I did not scare the crud out of my roommate and why she did not immediately request a change in roommates. I just have to say, the shower is not the place to be when someone is sad...it is too easy to cry there. So I took advantage of a private place to pour my sadness out in and believed whole-heartedly that I would be able to pull myself together by the time my shower was over. Boy was I WRONG. If anything, I worked myself up to the biggest meltdown SBU has ever seen. I sat on my loft completely helpless, WEEPING, while Abbi was sitting on her side of the room looking like she has absolutely zero clue what to do (HOW WOULD SHE?!). At some point, she offered up her help and comfort and I think I was too far gone at that point to come back. Sorry Abs.
3: I called my parents the next morning DEMANDING that they jump in the car and come to get me. I sat on the phone with a continuous stream of tears running down my face as I listened to my heartbroken parents (who were melting down too, I can promise you that much)assure me that I was meant to be at SBU and tell me that no, they would not be coming to get me. Probably the
toughest phone conversation any of us have ever been apart of.
Now.
Present day.
I AM BLESSED. I have been through the desert, and the Lord has been faithful. These past three months of new reality hold some of the worst and best days of my life.
I have seen Christ in a new light.
I have learned how to trust Him in a new way.
I have learned how to hold on to Him tighter.
I have learned how to lean on Him and no one else.
I have learned how great and massive His love is for me.
I have learned how beautiful He is...even in the worst of times.
And lemme tell you...HE IS BEAUTIFUL.
All through high school I struggled with loneliness. I felt like nobody wanted me. I spent many nights alone or cuddled up in my living room watching Dateline with my parents. These were nights that I begged God to give me someone...ANYONE. I desired to have reliable, Jesus-loving, solid friends. I wanted to be a part.
But, as always, it was always His plans, not mine.
Because, you see, I have no control.
Praise Him for that.
My control would have gotten me absolutely nowhere.
And how sweet that is.
And how thankful I am.
No, I was not always hanging out with friends during my teenage years. I wasn't at parties or running around with huge groups of people.
But I was growing.
I was growing in my independence.
I learned what it means to be alright with being alone.
I was growing in patience.
I learned what it means to wait on the Lord.
I was growing in my family.
I learned that they will always be here to support me.
This all leads me to the land of milk and honey that the Lord was directing me towards.
I HAVE FRIENDS...
Not "friends"...
FRIENDS.
These people know me.
love me.
pray for me.
pray with me.
laugh with me.
laugh at me laughing.
accept me.
And I am thankful for them.
These friends are the people I was so desperate for for so many years. They were exactly who I asked God for. And, it may have taken some time, but He heard me. And He gave me the desires of my heart. It took me falling on my face multiple times and being re-reminded that He has full control, but my desires lined up with His and He blessed me. BIG TIME.
Let me introduce you to my friends:
These are the girls who have given me a look into what having sisters must be like. Amy, Nicole, Kelsey, and Megan.
They crack me up, weird me out, and make me feel loved pretty much daily. I raid their closets (thanks Ames), ask them for advice, and vent to them about the things that drive me nuts.
And I LOVE them.
These are the people I spend nearly all of my time with.
These are just a few of the friends that I spend all of my greatest moments with. These pictures are from a little thing we do every Friday called "Foxy Friday" and it is just one of the billions of reasons that I love our group so much. These people have become my 2nd family. I laugh with them, share my heart with them, fight with them, make fun of them, let them make fun of me, act ridiculous with them, and have the greatest times with them. They are real with me and tell it like it is. They call me out in love when I need it and are there for me always. They are beautiful, Jesus-loving, fantastic people and I thank Christ daily for their influence on my life.
This is my roommate.
Abigail "Abniss" Porter
This girl has been such a blast to live with. We are absolutely ridiculous together and have spent many nights laughing together for reasons that we can't even remember. We are SO different in many ways, but we are just enough alike that it works beautifully. I am so blessed by her and by her friendship and roommate-ship.
There are many other people that I could list to show God's blessing on my life, but I think this blog is long enough!
So here is a quick list:
My RA Morgan who deals with my craziness and booming personality in a wonderful way.
The girls (Lauren, Tiara, and Morgan) who helped me enter into this transition at the beginning of the semester and made me feel less alone.
Maddy, who is from Blue Springs and has been a comfort for me to have down here.
Huffman who proved to me that football players can have good personalities too.
Brody Hughes. The guy who has helped me grow in many ways and holds me accountable. I am beyond grateful for him.
Kayla Bobeen who has the sweetest heart and most lovely personality.
Beka Todd. The girl who I just recently met, but love already from the bottom of my heart. I cannot wait to continue to get to know her.
God has, once again, showed me that HE knows best and HIS timing is 9073896487439508 percent greater than mine.
He has shown me that I have no control.
And I am so thankful.
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