falling into Him.

welcome to week two of SBU's six week long Christmas break.

have a seat.

one thing you aren't taught in college is how to handle six weeks back home, away from friends and a constant social life.

don't get me wrong...my family and my home are WONDERFUL...
but it is hard not to be completely surrounded by friends and things to do 24/7. 

the holidays have come and gone
and now
it is nearing death month.

JANUARY.

oh sweet January, why must you drag on...
                                    and on...
                                        and on...

January has forever been known as the month with no end in my house, and the dread that fills me at the thought of it is real and strong and ridiculous.

you see, 
mix together being away from friends 
with a long, boring month
and you get a horrible, frightening concoction.

six weeks of break means six weeks to think.
alone.
think alone.
by myself.

never a good thing.

you see, me thinking alone
by myself
leads to my insecurity increasing
and my self esteem plummeting.

it's an ongoing issue, really.

every girl on this planet 
at one point or another
has battled a little something called insecurity.

it is the breeder of jealousy, low  self esteem, and depression.
it is the evil mastermind behind girls dropping to the lowest possible place in their minds.
it is satan's spawn.

and it is what i have been struggling with for the past 3 weeks.

you see, the thing that made me feel secure and wanted and needed, was taken away from me about a month ago.

natural reaction and flesh desire have caused me to turn to other people and time fillers to find my purpose and my security.

and yet, 
other people and time fillers can do nothing for me.

even that thing that a month ago made me feel secure and wanted did nothing for me.

because, HE is the only One who can do anything for me.
HE is the only One who I should be looking to in order to find my security.
HE is the One that can show me purpose and desire.
HE is the One who will always make me feel wanted and needed.

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about running to the Lord.
I talked about how He must be the first One we run to when faced with hardship or struggles.
here's the link to that blog in case you missed it:
here's my heart

for me, thinking of running to Him when I am dealing with an outward battle is different than me running to Him when i feel insecure.

My insecurity is something that I let fester and breed inside of me.
It is my excuse for the pity parties I throw myself.
It allows me to feel justified.

and it is wrong.

I was recently talking to my friend Beka Todd about what I've been going through and struggling with, and instead of filling me up with just "you're so right" and "girl, I know," she hit me with the truth.
She hit me hard (but in the best way possible).
Because she hit me with the Gospel.
The living, moving Word of God.

//Though my heart and flesh may fail, 

the Lord is the strength of my heart 

and portion forever//

Psalm 73:26

she reminded me that

He is the One that has fought the hardest for me.
He is the One that desires me the most.

He is the One that will pursue me day after day after day.

I should never feel unwanted.

because He always wants me.

I should never feel worthless.

because He sees worth in me.

I should never feel undesirable.

because He desires my heart and soul.

I should never feel insecure.

because all of my security is in the One whom my soul longs for.

He holds me.

He comforts me.

He is an anchor.

He is a rock.

He loves me.

He is there.

Always.

When all my friends are spread out over break.

He is there.

When I am throwing myself a pity party.

He is there.

When I am sitting alone.

He is there.

He is there.

He is there.

and I am falling into Him.

because He came.

I am blessed. 

There is no doubt about it.

No question in my mind.

And for that I am grateful.

This time of year, I am always reminded how very blessed I am and how much the Lord has completely overwhelmed my life in so many ways and in so many areas.

I serve a phenomenal King.

My reminder this year first came last Monday.
Last Monday when I was introduced to this place:

Quay(pronounced key)Coffee

Remember how I tell you that my brothers have a lot of influence on me? exhibit a.

Quay has some of the best coffee my taste buds have ever housed.

Serious perfection.

So much good in and out of the building.

From the baristas, to the owners. 

From the coffee, to the customers. 

From the building, to the atmosphere. 

From the merchandise they sell, to the area around the coffee shop: 

it's all perfect.

Okay, so, last Monday.

Last Monday I spent a wonderful evening hanging out with my brother Levi and his friends (who I should practically just refer to as my brothers as well) Rees and Marcus.

marcus. and. rees.

                                                

Our evening was first spent chilling at Quay.

Then we moved on to Chipotle.

And we ended in Rees' dorm room at Park University watching one of the greatest films ever created. Sharknado.

Oh, and at one point, a ukulele was played and singing was done.

By the boys.

Not me.

It was grand.

Marcus' song included the line "make that chicken soup girl"

Poetic Genius.

My reminder came yet again a couple short days later.

Again, at Quay.

I am about to introduce you to two of the sweetest souls this world has ever had.

Meet two girls who have played such huge roles in my life.

Natalie and Anna.

This is Natalie. 

She is beautiful. Inside and out. 

She brings me joy. Always.

She shines like the sun. Everyday.

She loves Jesus. Wholeheartedly.

She loves me. Somehow.

She smells like love and rainbows. All the time.

And I adore her.

This is Anna.

She is delightful. All the time.

She is gorgeous. In every way.

She makes me so happy. Even when she's far away.

She adores Christ. With everything in her.

She accepts me for me. Again, somehow.

She is vivacious and encouraging. All the time.

And I adore her.

These girls have blessed me in huge ways over the past couple years.

And they didn't fail to do so again last Wednesday.

For those who know me, you know how great my love is for Kansas City.

For those of you who don't know me...

I LOVE AND ADORE AND CHERISH KANSAS CITY.

I don't need your agreement or approval.

It is my opinion and the opinion i will hold to until I die.

As I have gotten older, my love and appreciation for the city in which I was born in has increased and grown. Big time.

Now how does this relate in any way to Nat and Anna?

It does.

I promise.

Last Wednesday was Kansas City Adventure Day with Natalie, Anna, and I.

We started in River Market at Quay.

Walked around a bit.

Found this gem:

Thistle: an antique store in River Market that will knock you out with its adorableness and amazing finds.

We then moved on to Parisi in Union Station.

Parisi is another fantastic coffee place in KC.

If you go there, you will enjoy it.

This is inside of Union Station. The tree won't always be there.

   But Parisi will. It's over there............^..............

After a good dose of people watching, we headed to Westport.

To Teadrops.

holy crud.

If your mouth has never experienced bubble tea from Teadrops, you are depriving it.

It is delicious and lovely and refreshing and yum.

seriously. you need to try this place out.

Our Kansas City adventure ended at the least adventurous place in KC.

The Plaza.

Never fear though, we adventured into a few of our favorite stores and saw sights we had never seen.

Therefore, it could be included in our adventure.

  

welcome to anthropologie.

My reminder continued on a third time.

And yes, starting in Quay.

As always.

carrying on on the Plaza with Levi, Marcus, and my new pal Coen.

this time, no anthropologie trip was made.

just twenty minutes of me driving around a parking garage while levi and coen tried (and failed) to direct me to a spot.

then dinner at noodles and company.

then latte land <yet another coffee shop. i know. obsession.>

then home.

and home is where i was reminded yet again of my blessings.

and the grace, love, mercy, kindness, forgiveness that He has poured out for me.

Friday night was spent with my whole family.

at a little restaurant 3 minutes from the Plaza in Brookside

called Il Centro

brudders.

then, a lovely time watching the hobbit: desolation of smaug.

and a trip to crown center for a picture.

or an attempt.

it's always an attempt when it's the boys.

and this was definitely considered a failed attempt.

check it out.

                 easton.    caleb.  levi.        gabe.

gotta love it.

the final time i was reminded of my blessing was yesterday.

Sunday.

yesterday early afternoon was spent celebrating Christmas with my grandpa at his home in Parkville.

this was our sight on the way home...

i then had my first Starbucks reading-for-fun evening in forever.

and i concluded with a couple hours spent with some of my favorite hooligans.

in an antique store.

not a smart place to bring them.

but worth it.

I am blessed.

not just this past week.

but always.

You see, many years ago, a gift was given.

and that gift was far greater than any coffee shop.

                                   any adventure.

                                   any parking spot.

                                   any family time.

                                   any beautiful day.

                                   

that gift was Jesus.

Jesus in the smallest form possible.

but yet still the biggest thing ever to live on this earth.

and because He came, I live.

and because He came, I have been washed clean.

and because He came, I am forgiven.

All because He came.

//For to us a child is born, 

to us a son is given, 

and the government will be on his shoulders.

 And he will be called 

Wonderful Counselor,

 Mighty God, 

Everlasting Father, 

Prince of Peace.  

Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. 

He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, 

establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness 

from that time on 

and forever//

Isaiah 9:6&7

Merry Christmas.

oh brother.

two blog posts in one week.

risky risky.

i'm going for it.

i have three things i need to write about.

well i guess they aren't really things.

they're human.

sorta.

let me tell you about my brothers.

I have written about my brothers briefly throughout my other blog posts, so you shouldn't be too unfamiliar with them.

But I want you to know them.

And I want you to know them they way that I know them.

Because let me tell you,
my brothers are some of my favorite people.

Let's start from the top, shall we?

Brother Number One: Caleb Todd 

I know, I know...he looks nothing like me.

But he is my brother.

I promise.

Caleb is the brother of knowledge. 

He is brilliant. 

He is sensible. 

He is a clear thinker.

He is scholarly.

but he is also talented.

Caleb taught himself how to play the guitar when he was a teenager. That led to him teaching himself how to play a list of about just under ten different instruments. 

No joke.

None of my brothers are exact opposite of me.

but if i had to pick the one that was closest to exact opposite,

it would be Caleb.

Caleb is a pretty serious guy.

But there is a side to Caleb that some people may not know about.

And I love this side of him.

It is the side that I most relate to.

The one that is sarcastic, and giggly, and rambunctious.

But i love Caleb's personality. He is relatable and chill.

He is the eye of the storm.

He is the calm of the chaos that i bring to the family.

He is a rock.

Caleb has shown me encouragement and support through some tough times over the past few years. 

I have had the pleasure of singing with him a couple times in the past couple months.

He has educated me on great music, the best movies, and good television series.

And I cherish our relationship.

Brother Number Two: Levi Christian

Levi is the brother of personality.

DUDE this guy has one of the best personalities I have ever been around.

He is outgoing, passionate, and full of spirit.

He is a charming son of a gun.

He is one of the most driven people in the world when it comes to accomplishing what he wants accomplished.

Levi is a barista at Latte Land, but for the past 2 years has worked as a barista at Starbucks.

One day Levi is going to own his own coffee shop.

And it is going to rock.

And he is going to rock.

And it is all just going to rock.

Levi is the brother that is most like me when it comes to personality.

He is absolutely ridiculous at times.

And I love it.

He jumps in with both feet into the things he feels led to do.

He works his booty off when he really wants something.

He is wonderful.

Levi has also played a huge role in my music taste.

He was the one brother I had the privilege of riding to school every day with during my sophomore year of high school.

That was the year that my taste in music developed, along with my  lack of hearing due to him blowing an air horn in my ear anytime I spoke.

Brother Number Three: Jonathan Gabriel (AKA Gabe. AKA Gabey Baby)

Gabe is the brother of multiple personalities.

I mean that in the greatest way possible.

Gabe can be totally serious and calm one minute...

then WHAM.

Bouncing off the walls.

He is the baby of the family and has lovingly taken on the name Gabey Baby. 

I think we will still be calling him that in his eighties.

It's just who he is.

Gabe is the brother that I have spent a lot of time with over the past year.

Being that we were the only ones still living at home, he GOT to spend a looooot of time with his older sissy.

This included trips to Starbucks, countless hours spent at Target as I trekked through every aisle and he lugged behind, and him sitting on the couch with me watching TLC and chick flicks.

And he loved every second of it.

Gabe is the brother that sits among the chaos of family conversations and stays completely silent.

And then he decides to speak.

And it is the most random thought ever.

And then the room goes silent.

And everyone just stares at him.

And then we wait for how the thought relates to ANYTHING.

And he stays silent.

Because there was no point.

He just had a statement to make.

Gabe stories are the best.

Gabe is the best.

Oh, and he used to also let me dress him up as a girl.

I could go on.

I could tell story after story.

I could brag on how great I think my brothers are.

But I won't.

My brothers have been my 

biggest supporters, 

biggest pain in the butts,

biggest protectors,

biggest encouragers,

biggest teachers.

They taught me tolerance.

They showed me how wonderful it is to only have brothers.

They got me obsessed with coffee and gave me the desire to be a barista.

They sharpened my taste in music.

They blessed me with great memories.

Once again, I could go on.

But.

You know what they say...

a picture is worth a thousand words...