and so it ends.

well.

here's the post i have been dreading writing.

i am down to two weeks left down here at sbu.

two more weeks of class, the well, freshwater, late college nights, and constant community.

there is not a more accurate definition of the word bittersweet.

this morning as i stood in freshwater setting up chairs for the last time as an intern, i was overwhelmed with emotion.

where in the world did the time go?

but i can't think like that.

so i will choose to answer the question of

what was that time filled with?

so here goes.

my time in college has been filled with

so many great late nights. from mcdonalds at midnight to spontaneous trips to hurts donut to aimlessly driving down country roads to going to ihop at 2 in the morning. i so appreciate every all-nighter and late night adventure i had.

so many trips to springfield. so so so so many. i could drive there with my eyes closed. probably. not going to attempt it, so you will just have to take my word. 

so many conversations. with so many people.

so many coffee shop trips. kingdom. eurasia. hebrews. potters house.   coffee ethic. memories attached to every one of them.

so many people.

here's where i get emotional.

my time.

the time that flew by.

has been filled with so many people that i get to keep around for the rest of my life.

let me tell you about some of them.

g

let's start with the people who essentially are the reason i hung around.

dave & laurel becker.

there are no words.

the light, love, joy, encouragement, truth, and grace that you have poured into me is unbelievable. 

every crisis situation.

every hard talk.

every cup of coffee.

every time you waited for me to come back.

every time you went out and got me.

every time you told me exactly what i needed to hear.

every time you told me exactly what i didn't want to hear.

every time you reminded me of my worth.

every time you made me feel like i had a home base.

every time you pointed me back to Him.

every movie watched.

every cookie eaten.

every moment ever.

you two are at the top of my list.

my gratitude will never be able to be summed up in words.

you two have made me feel so important and so necessary.

you have helped shape me in so many ways.

thank you thank you thank you.

you have let me into your home and into your family and you are the reason i stuck around.

and you're never going to be able to get rid of me.

my intern family.

my community.

i have served alongside you.

i have been served by you.

i wouldn't be the same without you.

you all have shown me what it looks like to follow Jesus--all in your own way.

from family time at taco bell

to intern retreats

to setting up chairs on sunday mornings

you all are some of my most favorites.

i am so thankful that i got to be a part of you all and i could not feel more confident as i leave knowing you all will continue to run the race well. 

just don't try to replace me.

lol jk.

no i'm not.

i could really write an entire paragraph about everyone in my life down here, but i am not sure you all would make it through all of it. so im gonna try to keep the rest short and sweet, without taking away from the incredible impact so many have had in my life. 

trinity griffin.

you get me on so many levels.

thank you for your leadership, your friendship, and your understanding.

thank you for talking with me about weddings, sister act 2, and our future children like its our job.

beka todd.

you understand how i think and you feel things the way i feel things. those two things make you an incredible friend. thank you for always having the words to say and the truth to tell. love you always.

amy palmeri.

ames. 

i'm sorry for falling asleep that one time i brought you home with me for my brothers birthday and made you sing happy birthday with my family while i napped.

but really. i adore you. and i so appreciate all that you have been to me. you made freshman year a much easier transition. 

taylor smith, brody hughes, timothy finley, tanner boots, taylor howe.

the originals.

you guys have been consistent parts of my college life since day one. i am so thankful for each and every one of you. you have brought so much laughter, joy, truth, and sarcasm into my life. thank you for frustrating the crap out of me but also loving me so well. and thank you for encouraging me to skip class almost every day freshman year. i wouldn't have been addicted to netflix without your help.

i have too many great memories with each of you to even know where to start. but know how important you all are to me.

kaitlin cablish.

kait you helped make my sophomore year feel like an actual dream. tea time. country drives. yelling at cows. staying up until 3 watching jimmy fallon videos because you had never heard of him. driving to springfield for literally no reason all of the time. sitting in my room reading for hours not saying  word. (and nobody questioning why we were being quiet). every single conversation we had. spending five hours taking buzzfeed quizzes because we could. all-nighters that were completely unnecessary. listening to all of the records. the list goes on and on.

i love you. and that year will forever be #1 in my heart.

nike walker & kimberly saunchgrow.

you two helped me live in my first home. and it was truly a fantastic year. thank you for never complaining about how often i showered or how late i stayed up doing laundry. i have so many fun, fantastic memories attached to 102 drake street. and if you ever need anyone to fix your smoke alarm at 5 in the morning or check to see what the scary noise was, i'm your girl. 

phoebe finley.

you came into my life when i was a bit of a mess. and you loved me well. you still love me well. thank you for never holding anything against me. and for basically being an extension of my brain. i am never afraid to say what i am thinking around you. and that is so important to me. i so appreciate everything about you and count your friendship as an enormous blessing. i love you tons.

like i said before, i really could go on forever. it has taken so many people and so much love to get me to the end. i am thankful and have so much love for every person who helped get me here. 

now, here is me standing on my soap box.

hey college kids.

slow down.

we live in a generation of high pace and fast moving, and it makes our lives go by that much faster.

so stop.

don't wish the days away.

don't dream the days away.

live in the moment.

that was my challenge to myself this semester.

and i truly do feel as though i accomplished it well.

live in each day.

FULLY in each day.

love people well.

serve people well.

treat people well.

invest in the people and the community that you are in.

you will get so much out of it.

and it will keep you grounded.

stay grounded.

find your "dave & laurel"

the people who are going to love you fiercely but slap you in the face with truth every time you need to hear it.

so if you see me this week.

offer up a hug or a high five or a handful of money.

i need it.

because like i said.

it's bittersweet.

so though the thought that i am two weeks away from living back in the city i love deeply. and that i will have the opportunity to go to my favorite coffee shops every day. and that i will be living with my parents and get to see my family all the time...

i cannot move forward without leaving something behind.

but i will figure it out.

if i can transition into college, i can transition into anything.

and that's all i have to say about that.

own it.

hello.

i am here again attempting to put in to words the thoughts i have been wrestling with since about three weeks months ago.

so. let us begin.

hello.

let's talk about my generation.

now...
before you run off or exit out or throw your phone...

hear me out.

i love my generation.

i think we rock.

but we have so much to work on.

can i get a hallelujah amen from the chorus?

i have been grappling lately with this idea of constant justification.

what do i mean by that exactly?

i live in a culture where people love to justify their actions-myself included.

we love to have a solid defense when we are met with confrontation.
to be confronted without something in front of us to act as a shield is to have to live with the reality that we are not living blameless lives. 

so what exactly does that look like in the life of a Christian?

well let me tell you.

when we find ourselves walking in a season of sin or rebellion

but we continue to say that we are listening to the Lord

we tend to grab two things: a sharpie and a highlighter.

with those two weapons of choice

we love to go through the bible

highlighting the things we do well,

the things we agree with,

the things that fit our lifestyle

and drawing a thick black line

through anything that may challenge our choices.

that, my friends, allows us to ease ourselves into easily justifying our actions.

how great does it feel to have a reason for everything we do?

a "but" 
a "because" 
a "well i" 
after every challenge through accountability.

now this is not easton standing at the pulpit looking down upon everyone else.

this is easton looking straight in the mirror preaching to herself.

this semester has been a lot like me going around in a constant circle. 

i believe i have used that analogy in a previous blog post (or maybe just 4532 times in my head), but it seems that me going in circles is a common theme in my college career.

i start out strong.
mhm good job east.
then i start to fall off the train a bit.
it will get better.
then i jump off the train.
well, you tried.
then i get back up.
atta girl.
then i start again.

and all during that cycle, you hear me justify my actions.

i had a conversation with my roommate last night after i got back from one of my routine night drives. 
and some sort of epiphany (but really it's the truth i have heard time and time again)hit me.

here's the deal.
here's what i--and so many in my generation--so quickly forget:

expecting God to reveal to and give to you the things He has for you, when you continue over and over again to prove that He is not your sole source of reliance is ludicrous. 

it is when you get flat on your face before Him 
every. single. day.
no matter what issues you have or things you're facing
that He will begin to do work in your life.

it is called humility, y'all.
it is called trust, y'all.
it is called relying solely on the One Being that can do ANYTHING instead of running here and there and everywhere before we go to Him as our last resort.

and in that place of humility, the whole justification issue that we face cannot exist.
because in humility, we see ourselves exactly as we are.

in humility we come before 
ourselves
our peers
our King
and we admit that we are not living up to the standard of the gospel.

so my challenge today is this.
be real.
own up to the areas of your life where you are struggling.
be open to the idea of humility.

we are called to live in transparency.
we are called to live in community.
so let's just put the two together and live transparently in our community.

it is okay to struggle.
it is okay to mess up.

and it is okay to accept the grace we are given when we struggle and mess up.

don't choose justification.
choose mercy and choose grace.

our lives will be so much more fruitful when we live our lives in the knowledge that we are covered by the blood and pure in the sight of our Creator. 

because of that fact, we can live above justification. 
because of that fact, we get to accept grace instead of excuses.

live in that. accept that. walk in that.

i won't miss you.

i have tried 7(thousand)times to write this blog post over the last 2 months.

it seems as though the events within the last 12 months are hindering the words from flowing easily and from flowing well.

so here i am instead.
writing a typical 
"NEW YEAR NEW ME"
blog post.

holla at ya homeboy.

2015.
where do i even start?

ok ok.

you know when you get to a restaurant and first impression you're like

"oh man this is going to be good.
 oh hey our waitress is nice
 oh hey the lighting is perfect.
 oh hey this appetizer is divine."

and then the main course comes and its as if it was delivered from mcdonalds in the 60s.
you know?
that's how i feel about 2015.
it started off so perfect and it plummeted quite quickly.

this was a hard thing for me to process.
who am i kidding?
this is still a hard thing for me to process.

it's the 23rd of january and i have been attempting to add to this thought process since the first day of january.

so here's what i've got.

life is hard.

the end.


just kidding, just kidding.

life is hard.
and there are lessons that you are taught and you figure them out the first time and you rock them and life evens out again.

and then there are lessons that you get to relearn time and time and time and time again because you are a stubborn little girl who needs to learn when it's time to surrender and when it's time to lean in to the people who care the most for you and flee from the people who don't.

not that i would know...

hi my name is easton roye and i am extremely good at running away from the people and things i need the most in my life.

ever since i was a kid, i have been more prone to try to figure out things on my own rather than listen to the advice that came from the older, wiser people guiding me.

sadly that has transferred on into my adult years and my stubbornness reared its ugly head first semester of my third year of college.

this led to one the most difficult and painful semesters of my life ever.

so how do i plan to change in order to make second semester easy?
what's the "new me" in this new year?

surrender.

i'm holding up my white flag.
i'm getting over myself.
i'm plugging in to positivity.
i'm drawing nearer to the Lord.
i'm finding goodness in all things.
i'm learning how to forgive.
i'm aiming to be happy.

this is not some easy task that i have set out to accomplish.
this is a complete attitude change that goes against the natural heart of man--or at least the natural heart of easton roye.

but here's the deal.
i can't do fall semester of 2015 over again.
this is a new day.
and this is a new semester.

and God is trying to use me.
and God is trying to shape me.
and God is trying to direct me.

and i am now handing it all over.

teach me to do Your will, 

for You are my God.

let Your good Spirit lead me

 on ground level.

i refuse to be unhappy because i choose to sit and wallow in my unhappiness.
i refuse to be angry because i choose to not address those that i have unresolved conflict with.
i refuse to be sad because i dwell on the things in life that have not gone the way i think they should.

because here's the deal.

i am protected from things and trials that i cannot see.
i do not, in fact, know everything
nor do i have everything figured out.
and choosing to sit in circumstances that i either refuse to address or cannot change does not change those circumstances.


and so i will submit to the Lord and i will submit to His word.
and i will delight in the Lord and i will delight in His word.

i delight to do Your will, o my God. 

Your law is within my heart.

i will choose obedience.
i will choose patience.
i will choose surrender.

i will delight.
i will rest.
i will listen.

i got to live out a semester on my own.
i am fine not ever doing that again.

i can do nothing on my own.

as i hear, i judge,

and my judgment is just,

because i seek not my own will,

but the will of Him...

it's not going to be easy, but it's going to be so worth it.


so, 2015.

i do not hate you.
i love parts of you.
but you caused me a lot of pain.
you caused me a lot of problems.
and because of that.

i won't miss you.