renewal.

//do not be conformed 

to the pattern of this world, 

but be transformed 

by the renewal of your mind, 

that by testing you may discern 

what is the will of God, 

what is good 

and acceptable

  and perfect//

romans 12:2 esv

this verse is not a new one to me.

in fact, it is one i have memorized.

yet today, it has struck me right in the core.

i live in a world that is nonstop.

ravaged by social media

which is ravaged by negativity.

and rather than living in a way that keeps myself above and apart from the negativity of social media, 

i swallow myself up in it.

today i was listening to a sermon online 

of a service at a local church and the pastor talked about how fasting disconnects us from the world.

now.

fasting to me has always been in reference to food.

but today,

i felt like the Lord was saying "listen up, this is for you."

and it confused me for a split second.

but then it didn't.

i have held on to social media for years.

i have resisted my family when they call me out for my addiction to it and dependence on it.

"i don't have a problem"

"i am not addicted"

"i don't need these accounts"

yet i do have a problem.

i am addicted.

i have convinced myself that i need my social media accounts.

and that is something i am so hesitant to admit.

by admitting that i am dependent on something--anything--other than Christ, i am admitting that i am not living in the full life Christ is offering me.

so, why am i dependent on social media?

why do i feel literal anxiety when i am not on instagram for a whole day?

because i am terrified of missing out.

social media lets me know what everyone is up to, 

where they're at, 

who they're with.

and i have myself convinced i need to know this information.

but it's a lie from the pits of hell.

and it's time for me to resist against it.

so i am taking a break.

i am going on a social media strike for 3 months.

i want to show myself that i only need to rely on one thing.

Christ.

and i want to show myself that the anxiety, insecurities, and critical spirit that are within me solely stem from being completely submerged in social media 24/7.

it's time to renew my mind.

it's time to break out of the mold i have let myself settle in.

and so it ends.

well.

here's the post i have been dreading writing.

i am down to two weeks left down here at sbu.

two more weeks of class, the well, freshwater, late college nights, and constant community.

there is not a more accurate definition of the word bittersweet.

this morning as i stood in freshwater setting up chairs for the last time as an intern, i was overwhelmed with emotion.

where in the world did the time go?

but i can't think like that.

so i will choose to answer the question of

what was that time filled with?

so here goes.

my time in college has been filled with

so many great late nights. from mcdonalds at midnight to spontaneous trips to hurts donut to aimlessly driving down country roads to going to ihop at 2 in the morning. i so appreciate every all-nighter and late night adventure i had.

so many trips to springfield. so so so so many. i could drive there with my eyes closed. probably. not going to attempt it, so you will just have to take my word. 

so many conversations. with so many people.

so many coffee shop trips. kingdom. eurasia. hebrews. potters house.   coffee ethic. memories attached to every one of them.

so many people.

here's where i get emotional.

my time.

the time that flew by.

has been filled with so many people that i get to keep around for the rest of my life.

let me tell you about some of them.

g

let's start with the people who essentially are the reason i hung around.

dave & laurel becker.

there are no words.

the light, love, joy, encouragement, truth, and grace that you have poured into me is unbelievable. 

every crisis situation.

every hard talk.

every cup of coffee.

every time you waited for me to come back.

every time you went out and got me.

every time you told me exactly what i needed to hear.

every time you told me exactly what i didn't want to hear.

every time you reminded me of my worth.

every time you made me feel like i had a home base.

every time you pointed me back to Him.

every movie watched.

every cookie eaten.

every moment ever.

you two are at the top of my list.

my gratitude will never be able to be summed up in words.

you two have made me feel so important and so necessary.

you have helped shape me in so many ways.

thank you thank you thank you.

you have let me into your home and into your family and you are the reason i stuck around.

and you're never going to be able to get rid of me.

my intern family.

my community.

i have served alongside you.

i have been served by you.

i wouldn't be the same without you.

you all have shown me what it looks like to follow Jesus--all in your own way.

from family time at taco bell

to intern retreats

to setting up chairs on sunday mornings

you all are some of my most favorites.

i am so thankful that i got to be a part of you all and i could not feel more confident as i leave knowing you all will continue to run the race well. 

just don't try to replace me.

lol jk.

no i'm not.

i could really write an entire paragraph about everyone in my life down here, but i am not sure you all would make it through all of it. so im gonna try to keep the rest short and sweet, without taking away from the incredible impact so many have had in my life. 

trinity griffin.

you get me on so many levels.

thank you for your leadership, your friendship, and your understanding.

thank you for talking with me about weddings, sister act 2, and our future children like its our job.

beka todd.

you understand how i think and you feel things the way i feel things. those two things make you an incredible friend. thank you for always having the words to say and the truth to tell. love you always.

amy palmeri.

ames. 

i'm sorry for falling asleep that one time i brought you home with me for my brothers birthday and made you sing happy birthday with my family while i napped.

but really. i adore you. and i so appreciate all that you have been to me. you made freshman year a much easier transition. 

taylor smith, brody hughes, timothy finley, tanner boots, taylor howe.

the originals.

you guys have been consistent parts of my college life since day one. i am so thankful for each and every one of you. you have brought so much laughter, joy, truth, and sarcasm into my life. thank you for frustrating the crap out of me but also loving me so well. and thank you for encouraging me to skip class almost every day freshman year. i wouldn't have been addicted to netflix without your help.

i have too many great memories with each of you to even know where to start. but know how important you all are to me.

kaitlin cablish.

kait you helped make my sophomore year feel like an actual dream. tea time. country drives. yelling at cows. staying up until 3 watching jimmy fallon videos because you had never heard of him. driving to springfield for literally no reason all of the time. sitting in my room reading for hours not saying  word. (and nobody questioning why we were being quiet). every single conversation we had. spending five hours taking buzzfeed quizzes because we could. all-nighters that were completely unnecessary. listening to all of the records. the list goes on and on.

i love you. and that year will forever be #1 in my heart.

nike walker & kimberly saunchgrow.

you two helped me live in my first home. and it was truly a fantastic year. thank you for never complaining about how often i showered or how late i stayed up doing laundry. i have so many fun, fantastic memories attached to 102 drake street. and if you ever need anyone to fix your smoke alarm at 5 in the morning or check to see what the scary noise was, i'm your girl. 

phoebe finley.

you came into my life when i was a bit of a mess. and you loved me well. you still love me well. thank you for never holding anything against me. and for basically being an extension of my brain. i am never afraid to say what i am thinking around you. and that is so important to me. i so appreciate everything about you and count your friendship as an enormous blessing. i love you tons.

like i said before, i really could go on forever. it has taken so many people and so much love to get me to the end. i am thankful and have so much love for every person who helped get me here. 

now, here is me standing on my soap box.

hey college kids.

slow down.

we live in a generation of high pace and fast moving, and it makes our lives go by that much faster.

so stop.

don't wish the days away.

don't dream the days away.

live in the moment.

that was my challenge to myself this semester.

and i truly do feel as though i accomplished it well.

live in each day.

FULLY in each day.

love people well.

serve people well.

treat people well.

invest in the people and the community that you are in.

you will get so much out of it.

and it will keep you grounded.

stay grounded.

find your "dave & laurel"

the people who are going to love you fiercely but slap you in the face with truth every time you need to hear it.

so if you see me this week.

offer up a hug or a high five or a handful of money.

i need it.

because like i said.

it's bittersweet.

so though the thought that i am two weeks away from living back in the city i love deeply. and that i will have the opportunity to go to my favorite coffee shops every day. and that i will be living with my parents and get to see my family all the time...

i cannot move forward without leaving something behind.

but i will figure it out.

if i can transition into college, i can transition into anything.

and that's all i have to say about that.

own it.

hello.

i am here again attempting to put in to words the thoughts i have been wrestling with since about three weeks months ago.

so. let us begin.

hello.

let's talk about my generation.

now...
before you run off or exit out or throw your phone...

hear me out.

i love my generation.

i think we rock.

but we have so much to work on.

can i get a hallelujah amen from the chorus?

i have been grappling lately with this idea of constant justification.

what do i mean by that exactly?

i live in a culture where people love to justify their actions-myself included.

we love to have a solid defense when we are met with confrontation.
to be confronted without something in front of us to act as a shield is to have to live with the reality that we are not living blameless lives. 

so what exactly does that look like in the life of a Christian?

well let me tell you.

when we find ourselves walking in a season of sin or rebellion

but we continue to say that we are listening to the Lord

we tend to grab two things: a sharpie and a highlighter.

with those two weapons of choice

we love to go through the bible

highlighting the things we do well,

the things we agree with,

the things that fit our lifestyle

and drawing a thick black line

through anything that may challenge our choices.

that, my friends, allows us to ease ourselves into easily justifying our actions.

how great does it feel to have a reason for everything we do?

a "but" 
a "because" 
a "well i" 
after every challenge through accountability.

now this is not easton standing at the pulpit looking down upon everyone else.

this is easton looking straight in the mirror preaching to herself.

this semester has been a lot like me going around in a constant circle. 

i believe i have used that analogy in a previous blog post (or maybe just 4532 times in my head), but it seems that me going in circles is a common theme in my college career.

i start out strong.
mhm good job east.
then i start to fall off the train a bit.
it will get better.
then i jump off the train.
well, you tried.
then i get back up.
atta girl.
then i start again.

and all during that cycle, you hear me justify my actions.

i had a conversation with my roommate last night after i got back from one of my routine night drives. 
and some sort of epiphany (but really it's the truth i have heard time and time again)hit me.

here's the deal.
here's what i--and so many in my generation--so quickly forget:

expecting God to reveal to and give to you the things He has for you, when you continue over and over again to prove that He is not your sole source of reliance is ludicrous. 

it is when you get flat on your face before Him 
every. single. day.
no matter what issues you have or things you're facing
that He will begin to do work in your life.

it is called humility, y'all.
it is called trust, y'all.
it is called relying solely on the One Being that can do ANYTHING instead of running here and there and everywhere before we go to Him as our last resort.

and in that place of humility, the whole justification issue that we face cannot exist.
because in humility, we see ourselves exactly as we are.

in humility we come before 
ourselves
our peers
our King
and we admit that we are not living up to the standard of the gospel.

so my challenge today is this.
be real.
own up to the areas of your life where you are struggling.
be open to the idea of humility.

we are called to live in transparency.
we are called to live in community.
so let's just put the two together and live transparently in our community.

it is okay to struggle.
it is okay to mess up.

and it is okay to accept the grace we are given when we struggle and mess up.

don't choose justification.
choose mercy and choose grace.

our lives will be so much more fruitful when we live our lives in the knowledge that we are covered by the blood and pure in the sight of our Creator. 

because of that fact, we can live above justification. 
because of that fact, we get to accept grace instead of excuses.

live in that. accept that. walk in that.

i won't miss you.

i have tried 7(thousand)times to write this blog post over the last 2 months.

it seems as though the events within the last 12 months are hindering the words from flowing easily and from flowing well.

so here i am instead.
writing a typical 
"NEW YEAR NEW ME"
blog post.

holla at ya homeboy.

2015.
where do i even start?

ok ok.

you know when you get to a restaurant and first impression you're like

"oh man this is going to be good.
 oh hey our waitress is nice
 oh hey the lighting is perfect.
 oh hey this appetizer is divine."

and then the main course comes and its as if it was delivered from mcdonalds in the 60s.
you know?
that's how i feel about 2015.
it started off so perfect and it plummeted quite quickly.

this was a hard thing for me to process.
who am i kidding?
this is still a hard thing for me to process.

it's the 23rd of january and i have been attempting to add to this thought process since the first day of january.

so here's what i've got.

life is hard.

the end.


just kidding, just kidding.

life is hard.
and there are lessons that you are taught and you figure them out the first time and you rock them and life evens out again.

and then there are lessons that you get to relearn time and time and time and time again because you are a stubborn little girl who needs to learn when it's time to surrender and when it's time to lean in to the people who care the most for you and flee from the people who don't.

not that i would know...

hi my name is easton roye and i am extremely good at running away from the people and things i need the most in my life.

ever since i was a kid, i have been more prone to try to figure out things on my own rather than listen to the advice that came from the older, wiser people guiding me.

sadly that has transferred on into my adult years and my stubbornness reared its ugly head first semester of my third year of college.

this led to one the most difficult and painful semesters of my life ever.

so how do i plan to change in order to make second semester easy?
what's the "new me" in this new year?

surrender.

i'm holding up my white flag.
i'm getting over myself.
i'm plugging in to positivity.
i'm drawing nearer to the Lord.
i'm finding goodness in all things.
i'm learning how to forgive.
i'm aiming to be happy.

this is not some easy task that i have set out to accomplish.
this is a complete attitude change that goes against the natural heart of man--or at least the natural heart of easton roye.

but here's the deal.
i can't do fall semester of 2015 over again.
this is a new day.
and this is a new semester.

and God is trying to use me.
and God is trying to shape me.
and God is trying to direct me.

and i am now handing it all over.

teach me to do Your will, 

for You are my God.

let Your good Spirit lead me

 on ground level.

i refuse to be unhappy because i choose to sit and wallow in my unhappiness.
i refuse to be angry because i choose to not address those that i have unresolved conflict with.
i refuse to be sad because i dwell on the things in life that have not gone the way i think they should.

because here's the deal.

i am protected from things and trials that i cannot see.
i do not, in fact, know everything
nor do i have everything figured out.
and choosing to sit in circumstances that i either refuse to address or cannot change does not change those circumstances.


and so i will submit to the Lord and i will submit to His word.
and i will delight in the Lord and i will delight in His word.

i delight to do Your will, o my God. 

Your law is within my heart.

i will choose obedience.
i will choose patience.
i will choose surrender.

i will delight.
i will rest.
i will listen.

i got to live out a semester on my own.
i am fine not ever doing that again.

i can do nothing on my own.

as i hear, i judge,

and my judgment is just,

because i seek not my own will,

but the will of Him...

it's not going to be easy, but it's going to be so worth it.


so, 2015.

i do not hate you.
i love parts of you.
but you caused me a lot of pain.
you caused me a lot of problems.
and because of that.

i won't miss you.

cultivate kindness.

the way you treat people matters.

i know i know.
revolutionary.

but for some reason
(some odd odd reason)
it seems that this is a concept that so many people just simply cannot grasp.

did you know
that you cannot look at a person
and automatically know
"this person is struggling with depression"
"this person's mother is battling cancer"
"this person just got fired from his job"

because of our inability to look at someone and receive a full list of things he or she may be battling or struggling with, it is so greatly important to be aware of the way you treat absolutely everyone.

just because someone looks okay

does 
not
ever
actually
mean 
they
are
okay.


i have found very often that it seems as though my generation is too busy holding mirrors in front of our faces when we look at others and focusing in on ourselves and all that we want, need, desire to actually look at others with sensitivity and compassion.

i don't know
maybe it's because i'm in college
and everyone around me has a very 
"me-focused" mentality

but this seems to be an even more and more pressing issue lately.

i was talking to a friend recently about words and about how we treat people and a thought came to me.

when we speak.
we put words together in a way that best fits what we want to say, what we want to convey, and what we want to be known.
many times
this happens with no thought of 
"how are these words going to be heard?"
"how are these words going to be translated?"
and no regard to the audience we are speaking to.

we just speak.
because words should be flippant and not thought out.

JUST KIDDING DONT BELIEVE THAT PLEASE.

i worked at chickfila in high school.
one thing our boss told us the first day
is that you should always be aware that you are completely unaware
of what the person you are serving is going through.
and that because of this
there should always be a sensitivity in the way you speak and treat every customer.

this is something i have carried with me ever since then.
it stood out.

i don't know everyone's current battles.
i don't know if that smile actually means you are happy.
i don't know how close you are to breaking.

it is time that we stop looking at ourselves when we talk to others.
it is time that we stop thinking of ourselves when we serve others.

there's a sign hanging in my home that i see every day.

cultivate kindess.

so let's look at those two words for a second.

cultivate:
to devote oneself to
to promote the growth or development of.

kindess:
the state of being kind.

okay so.

cultivate kindess.
devote yourself to being kind.
promote kindess.
foster a sense of kindness.

in simple terms...
BE NICE TO PEOPLE.
CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE BEING NICE IS EASY.

this requires us to think of others.
this requires us to be sensitive.
this requires us to not say, share, post, comment, text 
every thought that pops into our heads.

to sum it all up.
this requires self control.

so be aware.
be aware that there are struggling people.

be aware that your smile may be the first smile that person has seen all day.

be aware that words cut down and you can use yours to build back up.

be aware that depressed people don't always have tears on their cheeks and frowns on their faces.

be aware that the way you treat a person can send them over the edge or pull them out of harm's way.

now go hug your neighbor and give everyone you see today a high five.

cultivate kindess, friends.

something called trust.

i need to trust.

i am skipping the whole introduction part that is supposed to come at the start of a blog post.

or maybe my intro is just more forward.

who knows.

but anyway.

i need to trust.

i need to get over myself.
my desires.
my opinions.

and i need to trust.

i love taking walks.

(i swear im not just stating random facts about myself. this will all tie in in a bit. stick with me)

there is a clarity that comes when i am walking.

there is a special clarity that comes when i walk on campus.

for those who don't know,
i grew up coming to sbu with my dad for a week while he helped lead worship at a little thing called thee camp.

this campus was my playground for multiple summers.

because of this, i have many memories tied to certain parts of sbu.

this is when the clarity comes in.

tonight i walked. 
i walked along the sidewalks that i walked when i was younger.
i passed the buildings i used to sprint through.
i saw the things that my younger eyes used to see.

and it came to me.

i need to trust.

once upon a time

when i was a child

walking the same sidewalks i walked tonight

i didn't know what it looked like to not trust.

i didn't know what fear for the future felt like.

i didn't know how it felt to be unsure of myself.

and it was freeing.

i walked those sidewalks without a care in the world.

i knew God was good and i knew He had me.

because of my relationship with the Father, this same kind of carefree trust is available and attainable still.

if only it was as easy to believe that as it is to type that sentence.

instead of saying "Lord, You've got this. it's Yours."
my mind goes a little like this 

"here You go...
...wait...
i mean You've got this...
but can i just hold this corner?
are You sure that's right?
but what's next?"

i hold on with all of my might.

why?

because there is a trust issue.

and that is linked to my heart.

so let's talk about that.

if i could write a letter to my heart it would go a little something like this:

"hello heart,
i am writing to you because i need you to listen up. you are stubborn. you feel all these feelings without syncing up with mind about what those feelings may actually mean. that's not very nice of you.
heart--why do you not tune into the Lord more? why do you turn to everyone else before you turn to Him?

we need to work on that."


ok so clearly im in an odd mood tonight because i am writing to my heart.

where are you going with this, east?

i don't really know.

i think i just wanted it to be known.

that i struggle with trusting the Lord.
i struggle with trusting His timing.
i struggle with trusting His promise.

and it's not because He has failed me.
because not once has He ever failed me.
not once.

He is faithful.

so until i trust fully i will preach that to myself.

He is faithful.
He is stable.
He is truth.
He is fighting for me.
He is looking out for me.
He is planning for me.
He holds me.
He knows me.
He loves me.

so trust.
trust i must.
and trust i will.

even when it's not well.

well. i am here.

junior year.

and i should be asleep. 
(sorry mom)
(but when i gotta write, i gotta write)

so.

hello there.

let's catch up.

y'all. this summer. oh man this summer.

let me summarize it:

WHIRL.WIND.

i've written about some of that chaos already this summer.
but in the last week and a half a thousand things have been spun a million different directions at a billion miles per hour.

you see.

i had a plan.

because, come on.

i was convinced that i was in control of my life.
(for real. easton. come on. why haven't you learned by now?)

but i found out.

in the most heartbreaking of ways.

that i am not.

on saturday, august 15 i lost my grandmother.

and life.
and my plans.
dropped out beneath me.

i had it all planned out. 
family birthday party on sunday the 16th.
leave for school the 17th.
spend a week setting up my house,
catching up with my bolivar family,
enjoy a week of freedom.

i would ease into the semester.

but instead.

sunday was spent shopping for funeral clothes.
monday was spent getting on a plane to texas.
tuesday was spent celebrating the marvelous life of one of the greatest women i know.
wednesday was spent on a plane back to kc and then cram-packing.

but listen to me.

that's ok.

was it ok in the moment?
absolutely not.

because my flesh got in the way.

i was mad.
i was heartbroken.
i was selfish.

but i got knocked down from my high horse.

i was taught once again just how little control i have over this life i have been given.

but that's ok.

because He has all the control and He is more than capable.

on tuesday the 18th i was asked to lead a song at the funeral.

it is well.

and another lesson was learned.

as i stood on the stage.
semi-ready to sing the words.

it was not well.

losing my grandmother was not well.
my dad losing his biggest cheerleader was not well.
not being able to say goodbye was not well.

but as i sang the song.
a peace overcame me.

because it is well.

my grandmother knew Jesus well.
she proclaimed Him loudly.
and she went Home to Him.

oh that is very well.

that hymn has become the cry of my heart and the prayer for my semester.

even in the darkest of moments.
it is well.
even in the saddest times.
it is well.
in anger.
it is well.
in confusion.
it is well.
in bitterness.
it is well.

it is well
it is well
with my soul.

and so things changed,

and i arrived here on thursday.

and the Lord has blasted me with grace and an outpour of love.

He gave me rest and solitude.

i have made new friends.
i have caught up with old friends.
i have put my home together.

which leads me to the next thing on my heart.

if you have followed my blog
or know me at all
you know that i have spent the last 2 years trying to figure out this little word called "home"
for real.

it's tough.

but im learning.

and now i am making my own home.

in a house.

off campus.

and it is the happiest thing in the world.

seriously it makes me happy even thinking about it.

i am living with two girls who are wonderful and who have been constant throughout my college career.

we have created a home that promotes fellowship and getting to know people.

and it is the best.

so here's my little plug.

if you go to sbu.

come by.
anytime.
any day.

we would love to have you.

i have 39 mugs.
around 30 mason jars.
tea.
coffee.
(currently 1.5 cupcakes)
and so much love.

we would love to have you in our home.
we would love to get to know you.
we would love to get to love on you.

i believe the Lord gives to us so we can give to others.

so come on over.




the Lord is bringing healing.
He is bringing clarity.
He is bringing peace.
He has brought joy.

and so for now.

i give thanks.

and i pray that in my next trial

i give thanks.

because in the end.

His plan is pretty completely perfect
and i have an abundance to be thankful for.

and for real i could say so much more about just even the last 3 days but this post already has been all over the place.

so.
quick rundown:
new friends.
fresh flowers.
handwritten letters.
the greatest birthday of my entire life.
OH MY GOODNESS SERIOUSLY ^^^.
talks about Jesus.
talks with Jesus
so many board games.
81 books in my room.
excitement for the upcoming semester.
pumped for the well.
thankfulness for my intern family.
time spent with my becker babes.
laurel and dave.
coffee.
cookies.
surprises.

so much good y'all.

i will try to put those words together sometime soon.

but for now.

im going to sleep.

i think.

maybe.

we will see.