never goodbye.

i am leaving.

not exactly right now.

and not tomorrow.

but Sunday.

Sunday, I am leaving.

i am writing right now to keep from allowing all of my emotion to overwhelm this post on my actual last night at home.

i sound ridiculous.

i am aware.

everyone know i will be back home in a few weeks.

it's true.

but it doesn't make the leaving part any less painful.

trust me.

i hate goodbyes.

more than brussel sprouts.

or the smell of raw chicken.

or leaving vacation.

or the end of Christmas.

or bad hair days.

or cancelled plans.

or being late.

or finishing a really good book.

i hate them.

goodbyes are never something i have been good at.
when i was younger, i melted into a puddle anytime i had to bid my aunt farewell after holidays were finished.
i would sit (or lay completely flat) on a bed sobbing until there were no more tears to be had.
i react a bit different now.
the tears still come most times.
but quieter
and more controlled.
my heart still aches the same.
i don't think that will ever go away.
it's part of who i am.

i am Easton "hates saying goodbye" Roye.
nice to meet you.

even this past week leading up to what i have dubbed "doomsday", the dread and sadness have already started to creep into my body and hang out on my nerves.
each moment that passes is a tally in my brain.

remember how i told you i have an issue living in the moment?
this is one major reason why.

everything that happens in my life seems to be a box i am eager to check off.
whether it is my choice or not.

i am learning how to handle myself in these situations.
how to not count down the hours until my time at home...
or time with family...
or time doing something spectacular
is over.

(36 hours until i leave for school.)

like i said...i am LEARNING.
not "have learned" how to handle myself.
i am still a student in this school called life.

what makes it exponentially ten times more difficult to leave is how wonderful these past six weeks have been for me.
how much healing i have had in the past month and a half.
and all of the memories and new experiences i have gained.
it is all so marvelous.

but i need to use what i have learned...
and grown in...
and gained

and i need to use every ounce of all of it.

this break has been therapeutic.

*i have worked at my job*
today marks one year at Barnes and Noble. i have been so blessed by my coworkers, regular customers, and great work environment. 

*i have spent time with family*
literally one of my favorite things in the world. they're great.
each and every one of 'em.

*i have had beautiful Jesus talks with Natalie*
'nuff said.

*i have discovered a piece of heaven*
quay coffee. try it out. fall in love. you're welcome.

*i have gained new friends*
my brothers have great hook ups to phenomenal people. seriously. blessed.

*i have learned to be more adventurous*
and by this i mean i ventured into an unknown sketchy part of Kansas City by myself to find a butcher shop. also known as The Pig. also known as what the trailer Pigwich is attached to. also known as Y-U-M. so worth it. friendly people, not-as-sketchy-as-i-thought-it-was-going-to-be location, flippin ridiculously delicious sandwiches. for reals.


*i visited one of my favorite KC gems*
nelson atkins. mm mm good.

*i took walks with my mama*
walks. good.
mama. the best.
walks with mama. my fave.

*i read*
the bible. new novels. brave new world.
da best.

*i spent time finding who i am in the Lord*
this was much needed. i left first semester a little battered and down on myself. i enter second semester confident in who He has made me and rejoicing in the fact that He thinks i am enough. how crazy beautiful is that?!

*i visited my old high school*
yes. cannot wait to teach. seriously got super pumped to be in my own classroom in a few short years. AND got to see two of my favorite teachers in the whole world. totally sweet.

*i cut my hair*
ok. not my hair. my bangs. i cut my bangs. impulse. hair grows out. don't regret it at all. needed a change.

*i worshipped with my church family*
always always always a beautiful time.

*i have cuddled with Koda*
my dog. my bff. my pal.

*i grew*
simple as that.

six weeks doesn't sound like very long.
but a six week long break is a LONG time.
a very needed LONG time.

so thanks SBU.
even though i hated how used i got to being home.
even though i am dreading the thought of having to get readjusted to being away again...for the second time in 5 months.
i am thankful.
i needed this.
so badly.

it has refreshed me.
it has restored me.
it has blessed me.

so here is to saying goodbye see you soon.

see you soon KC.
see you soon family.
see you soon Pigwich.
see you soon bed.
see you soon church.
see you soon Quay.
see you soon new memories.
see you soon friends.
see you soon Koda.
see you soon home.

see you soon.

work

quay. beauty.

saying farewell until march

pigwich. serious grub.

one sight on a walk with my mom

bud

coffee and reading. perfection.

BANGS.

does it get prettier?

friends.

new mugs. collection growing. never enough.

brother. brother's friend. yep. thats an axe.

alma mater.

coen and tony. 

new friends. 

fantastic baristas. 

ridiculously great guys.

brother at the Nelson.

the city i am so in love with.

just be.

i am a planner.

not a literal planner as in blank pages and calendar dates.

i like to plan.
i like to make plans.
i like to carry out plans.

this is a good thing in the sense of planning major events, coffee dates with friends, or summer vacation.

this is a not so good thing in the sense that it causes me to become discontent in where i am in each moment.

my need to plan causes me to have something to look forward to futuristically.
that's nice.

but it causes me to rush.
it causes me to countdown to the major event.
it causes me to take for granted the very moment i am living in.
that is not nice.

this is something i have struggled with for many years.
if i were doing something fun one day, i was planning the fun i would have the next day. this planning would take away from the very thing i was doing in that moment.

this issue was amplified this past semester.

if i must remind you, college was not the easiest transition i have ever had to handle.

in fact, it was the worst transition ever.

something i did that seemed to only make this worse was wallow in the things i could not change.

i could not change the fact that i chose to go to school 2 and a half hours away from the only place i have ever called home.

i could not change the fact that some nights were extremely long and lonely.

i could not change the fact that i missed my family in an awful way almost every single waking moment.

but instead of seeing that and understanding that, i sat and waited each week for Friday at 1 p.m. when i could hop in my car and pull onto the interstate heading towards the city i love.

now, let me make this very clear, i am not saying i think it was wrong that i came home most weekends.
i got a lot of criticism and opinions connected to my coming home weekly and quite frankly, none of them meant anything to me.
home is where i needed to be for my own sake of not sinking into a deep depression and loneliness.
that was my decision and i regret nothing when it comes to that.

what i do regret is not being content.

when i was at school, i missed home so much that i didn't focus on where i was or the things i could be doing in that place.
when i was at home, i missed being around friends 24/7 and felt like maybe i was missing out on something.

it was almost a kind of instability i was dealing with inside of myself.

as i face the last week of my forever-long winter break,
i am reevaluating the way i look at life.

there is nothing wrong with planning.
there is nothing wrong with being excited for something.
but there is something wrong in not being content in each moment.

so as spring semester of 2014 begins, this is my motto:

BE CONTENT.

have peace in the moment.
live life where i am.
be content.

i am not my own.

we live in a culture of people who are engulfed in themselves.
what their hair looks like.
what people think of their clothes.
how attractive others find them.

i'll be honest, i fall into this category more times than i would like to.
i worry about myself and what others think of me more than i ever should.
and, as i have come to learn,
it is a twisted perspective.

i have recently come out of a place of self-obsession.
obsessing over what others think of me.
obsessing over how people view me.
obsessing over wanting to be liked.

it's natural.

but it isn't okay.

so i am crawling out of the self-obsessed pit.
i am putting my worth
             my acceptance
             my desirability 
in Christ.

i have come to the the realization that when i focus on Easton and on where Easton is in life and Easton's struggles,
my eyes turn from the Lord.
I become focused on how I need to improve myself,
rather than how the Lord is trying to improve me.

and let's be honest,
my improvements probably won't turn out as well as His improvements.

His improvements will build me with confidence in Him.
His improvements will fill me with joy.
His improvements will set my feet on the right path.

My improvements will keep me walking in a circle.

I think that every so often God seems to do a bit of a "spring cleaning" in me.
He tosses away the garbage I have been stuffing in the corner.
He wipes away the smears of shame and sadness.
He reorganizes the priorities I have out of order.
it is painful, yes
but it is needed.
and in the end,
it is beautiful.

ephesians 2:10 says that "you are God's masterpiece"

how many of us wake up every day and say "dang shawty, I am a masterpiece!"?

how many of us know that He has made us wonderfully and fearfully?

now, how many of us know that sometimes a masterpiece can take some time?

it took Leonardo da Vinci four years to paint the Mona Lisa.
it took eleven years for the Statue of Liberty to be constructed and assembled.
it took Edvard Munch 17 years to complete all four versions of The Scream.

but think of a human as a masterpiece.
think about how humans are always learning,
                           always growing,
                           always evolving. 
how do you think da Vinci would have reacted if Mona Lisa had changed on her own. she had added more color to her cheeks.
she had made herself look a bit more feminine. she had smoothed out the errors she thought da Vinci had made.

this is what we do.

we try to grab the paint brush out of God's hand and add to ourselves the things we think we need.

the body we think we need to get attention from the opposite sex.
the personality that we convince ourselves is better than who we truly are naturally. 
the activities we participate in to fit in with the group we think we should fit in with.

all the while, He watches us knowing that these "improvements" we are giving to ourselves, are the very things that will destroy us. 
how painful do you think that is?

to spend so much time on a creation that He loves so much. That He made in His image. That He sent His son to die for. Just to hear them say "no, no, no God. I've got this. You don't understand what I need. You don't hear what I have been asking You for. I need to be perfect. I need to be wanted. I need to be better than this." 

ouch.

why do we do this?

why do we not HAPPILY go along the path He has set before us?
why do we not embrace the person He has called and created us to be?

He DOES understand what we need.
more than we do.
He does hear what we ask Him for.
that doesn't mean that what we ask Him for is really needed.

He is working on us every second of every minute of every day.

He is perfecting us.

He is shaping us.

He is stripping us.

He is putting us back together.

Yes, it takes time.

Yes, it hurts like heck.

Yes, it is difficult.

but it is so so worth it.

it is worth knowing that you are in the middle of God's will for your life.

it is worth knowing that you only need to find your identity in Christ.

it is worth knowing that you don't have to worry about changing on your own.

so as I pull myself out of this pit once again.
as I refocus on who HE has called me to be.
as I turn my plans and desires for myself over to Him,

I rejoice.

I rejoice in who He is making me.
I rejoice that He has patience for my stupidity and ignorance.
I rejoice that I am loved by such a King as this.

//Rejoice in the Lord always. 

I will say it again: 

Rejoice!//

Philippians 4:4 

//May the God of hope fill you 

with all 

joy and peace as you 

trust in him, so that you

 may overflow with hope 

by the power of the Holy Spirit//

Romans 15:13 

cup of joe.

i love coffee.

i love the taste.

i love the smell.

i love the warmth.

i love it all.

for those of you who do not know, 
i come from a long sibling line of baristas.

Caleb was a barista.
Levi is a barista.
I am a barista.
Gabe probably will never be a barista.

but, you get my point.

Most of my family loves coffee and everything 
that has to do coffee.

This coffee obsession has lead to 
a coffee SHOP obsession.

From Starbucks, to the most 
independent coffee shop there is,
I adore and cherish each coffee shop in this county.

This is something that some people get...
and others...
not so much.

It has become a normal habit of mine
to sit in a coffee shop with 
a really good book,
or good music,
or good Jesus time,
or good friends
for hours upon hours.

my record is 9 straight hours.
but I am going to break it soon.
hopefully.

you see,
there is something so very therapeutic to me
about sitting in a coffee shop.

I was talking to a friend about it earlier
this evening and it just hit
me again how much peace and joy
I have found whilst in a coffee shop.

I am an extrovert.
I love people.
A lot.

I also love being around people.
When I go through periods of time when 
I am not constantly surrounded by people,
I sink into a kind of depression
and self-esteem low.
I focus on all the negative and don't allow
myself to think on anything in a positive manner.

This has been a big problem for me
over the past couple years.
Coffee shops have given me a second option.
Sometimes I NEED to be away from the people
who are in my life 24/7.
sometimes I NEED to be alone.
but sometimes being alone doesn't mean
being by yourself.

hear me out.

being alone for me is being in my own space
with my own things going on.
for instance, sitting in Starbucks with a book
and headphones in my ears with nothing playing...
the headphones are to keep people from distracting me.
I love to eavesdrop...

being alone doesn't necessarily mean BEING ALONE.
Maybe this makes no sense to you...
but it makes sense to me in my screwed up head.
so go with it.

coffee shops have created an environment
where I can be by myself
in the middle of the chaos that is not my own.

and that is so beautiful to me.

on the other end of the spectrum,
coffee shops are my favorite social setting.
i can spend hours sitting with friends
talking and catching up on life
or sharing what God is doing in our lives
or meeting new, fantastic people.

and that is also so beautiful to me.

coffee shops have also been 
a place where I spend beautiful
moments with the Lord.
they have been a place where
He had revealed things to me
and shown me things in new perspectives.
They have been a place where I 
have met people whom I adore
who have passion and love for Christ.

and that is most beautiful to me. 

So as my coffee shop obsession increases,
I will continue to budget my money in 
order to support the addiction.
I will continue to allow myself time
to BE alone in a coffee shop.
Even at school when it sometimes means
driving to Springfield for the afternoon.
Because it is therapy that I can afford
and therapy that I have easy access to.

I'll drink to that...

               

a year of change.

one year.

one year between January 1, 2013 and today.

one year of new adventures.

one year of big changes.

one year of hard good byes.

one year of difficult lessons.

one year of beautiful happenings.

one year of blooming friendships.

one year.

2013 has been the year of change for me.

Starting in January when I first started as a barista at Barnes and Noble Cafe.

Moving on to August when I bid my home farewell and began college.

So much change between January and August, and again from August to now.

Change is beautiful.

Change is frustrating as heck.

Change is necessary.

Change sucks.

Change stretches us.
       teaches us.
       grows us.
       pushes us.
       shows us.

Change is lovely.

2013 was a year of huge unknowns.
it was a year that scared the daylights out of me.
it was a year that broke my heart.
it was a year that slapped me with reality.
it was a year that blessed me greatly.

2013 was perfect.

I have grown in many areas.
I have learned many things.
I have been taught how to trust.
I have been shown God's grace.
I have figured out how to handle tough situations.
I have changed in ways that I needed to change.

and I am happy.
and I am grateful.
and I am ready for more.

So here's to 2014.
The Year of Adventure.
The year that I vow to be more courageous.
The year that I try new things.
The year that I just do it.

But first...
here is a list of a few things I learned throughout 2013...
some are serious...
some...
not so much...
enjoy.

1. coffee is your absolute best friend and most treasure compadre. do not take it for granted. love it like a son.

2. sometimes God seems like He's going to give us one thing, and He hands us something completely different. Take it with a thankful heart. You never know what He is saving you from or what He is leading you towards.

3. sharknado is the greatest movie ever made.

4. sharknado is not the greatest movie ever made. It is just so horrible that it is great.

5. girls are a frightening breed. Living with them is scary at   times. Don't try to figure them out. Just give them food and let them do their thing.

6. netflix was crafted by angels.

7. reading in coffee shops is a brilliant idea. 

8. God is good. All the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

9. dorms prepare you for living in apartments and teach you how to sleep through anything. Seriously, anything.

10. sometimes sitting alone in your room. cuddled up in a blanket. staring at the ground. is completely necessary. 

11. friends are treasured beings. be joyful. and have fun.

12. it is important to learn who you can really trust. and don't take those people for granted. and if you find that you can't trust a person, remember how important it is to GUARD YOUR HEART. seriously, that is so so so important.

13. boys make wonderful friends. the right boys of course. but when you find the right boys, friend them up.

14. sometimes finishing three seasons of walking dead in less than a week and a half is looked at as a huge accomplishment and impressive task. you go girl....or boy...

15. Target is a blessed land. Hold on to it as tight as you can and tell it you love it every day. Shop in its aisles and walk upon its floors. Compliment its selection of handbags, wallets, shoes, and jewelry. Treat it with love and kindness. And don't you forget about it.

16. Walmart sucks.

17. McDonalds suddenly turns into the hottest night club at 12 o'clock at night when everything else in a small college town closes down. Play some games, eat some fries, live it up.

18. college is 138783597368 times different than high school. for reals.

19. houses are beautiful places when you are used to live in dorms. even the smallest house looks like a palace to a dorm-living college student.

20. dorm life. so good. so hard to adjust to, but so good.

21. i am so thankful i have 3 brothers. so thankful. SO SO THANKFUL. i would not be who i am today if i had grown up with sisters. you can take that to the bank.

22. coworkers can become some of your greatest friends.

23. photography is a beautiful thing.

24. St. Augustine is the most magical place in the world.

25. it's ok to be obsessed with your dog.

26. quay coffee is perfection.

27. sometimes your brothers' best friends can become your friends too and it is great and you will love it.

28. Kansas City adventures are always a smart decision.

29. care packages and encouraging letters can make the most dreary day absolutely spectacular. 

30. be encouraging. not only to others, but to yourself as well.

31. look to Him. always. always. always.

32. lofted beds are kind of my favorite thing.

33. country drives alone probably aren't the best idea if you are in a town you are unfamiliar with. save those for when you know the town better or are at home where you know the roads better. seriously. listen to me on this one.

34. mellers cafeteria. i don't think there are words. so...

35. be thankful for the food you get at home and for restaurants.

36. snow is magical. seriously. it has magical powers.

37. walks (especially late night walks) are the best. grab a friend and walk. you will learn everything about them and be filled with positivity.

38. social media is a pawn satan uses sometimes. be cautious.

39. be thankful for all your parents do for you. and let them know how thankful you are. you won't know all that they go through until you yourself are a parent. don't wait until then to let them know how appreciated they are.

40. all-nighters. just don't. listen to me. please. just don't. you will hate yourself. your eyes will be set on fire. you will want to cry for an eternity. you will run into walls. this is all speaking from experience. i ran into a literal wall. just don't.

41. dance out your stress. i don't care if you can't dance. i don't care if you go to a Baptist college. DANCE.

42. i said it earlier, and i will say it again, GUARD YOUR HEART.

43. the Bible is the greatest and most important textbook you own.

44. pinterest will save you from insanity. 

45. finals week could possibly be the greatest week of your life.

46. when you are starting to feel sad, make yourself be around people. the worst thing you can do is be alone.

47. don't shut people out.

48. it's okay to have "your booth" at a coffee shop. don't let anyone tell you different. if that's the booth you want to sit in everyday for an entire semester. that's okay. you do you. 

49. music is so so so important. it has healing abilities.

50. college is nothing like i thought it would be. and i am so happy about that. because college is one of my favorite things.


Happy New Year.