just be.

i am a planner.

not a literal planner as in blank pages and calendar dates.

i like to plan.
i like to make plans.
i like to carry out plans.

this is a good thing in the sense of planning major events, coffee dates with friends, or summer vacation.

this is a not so good thing in the sense that it causes me to become discontent in where i am in each moment.

my need to plan causes me to have something to look forward to futuristically.
that's nice.

but it causes me to rush.
it causes me to countdown to the major event.
it causes me to take for granted the very moment i am living in.
that is not nice.

this is something i have struggled with for many years.
if i were doing something fun one day, i was planning the fun i would have the next day. this planning would take away from the very thing i was doing in that moment.

this issue was amplified this past semester.

if i must remind you, college was not the easiest transition i have ever had to handle.

in fact, it was the worst transition ever.

something i did that seemed to only make this worse was wallow in the things i could not change.

i could not change the fact that i chose to go to school 2 and a half hours away from the only place i have ever called home.

i could not change the fact that some nights were extremely long and lonely.

i could not change the fact that i missed my family in an awful way almost every single waking moment.

but instead of seeing that and understanding that, i sat and waited each week for Friday at 1 p.m. when i could hop in my car and pull onto the interstate heading towards the city i love.

now, let me make this very clear, i am not saying i think it was wrong that i came home most weekends.
i got a lot of criticism and opinions connected to my coming home weekly and quite frankly, none of them meant anything to me.
home is where i needed to be for my own sake of not sinking into a deep depression and loneliness.
that was my decision and i regret nothing when it comes to that.

what i do regret is not being content.

when i was at school, i missed home so much that i didn't focus on where i was or the things i could be doing in that place.
when i was at home, i missed being around friends 24/7 and felt like maybe i was missing out on something.

it was almost a kind of instability i was dealing with inside of myself.

as i face the last week of my forever-long winter break,
i am reevaluating the way i look at life.

there is nothing wrong with planning.
there is nothing wrong with being excited for something.
but there is something wrong in not being content in each moment.

so as spring semester of 2014 begins, this is my motto:

BE CONTENT.

have peace in the moment.
live life where i am.
be content.