falling into Him.

welcome to week two of SBU's six week long Christmas break.

have a seat.

one thing you aren't taught in college is how to handle six weeks back home, away from friends and a constant social life.

don't get me wrong...my family and my home are WONDERFUL...
but it is hard not to be completely surrounded by friends and things to do 24/7. 

the holidays have come and gone
and now
it is nearing death month.

JANUARY.

oh sweet January, why must you drag on...
                                    and on...
                                        and on...

January has forever been known as the month with no end in my house, and the dread that fills me at the thought of it is real and strong and ridiculous.

you see, 
mix together being away from friends 
with a long, boring month
and you get a horrible, frightening concoction.

six weeks of break means six weeks to think.
alone.
think alone.
by myself.

never a good thing.

you see, me thinking alone
by myself
leads to my insecurity increasing
and my self esteem plummeting.

it's an ongoing issue, really.

every girl on this planet 
at one point or another
has battled a little something called insecurity.

it is the breeder of jealousy, low  self esteem, and depression.
it is the evil mastermind behind girls dropping to the lowest possible place in their minds.
it is satan's spawn.

and it is what i have been struggling with for the past 3 weeks.

you see, the thing that made me feel secure and wanted and needed, was taken away from me about a month ago.

natural reaction and flesh desire have caused me to turn to other people and time fillers to find my purpose and my security.

and yet, 
other people and time fillers can do nothing for me.

even that thing that a month ago made me feel secure and wanted did nothing for me.

because, HE is the only One who can do anything for me.
HE is the only One who I should be looking to in order to find my security.
HE is the One that can show me purpose and desire.
HE is the One who will always make me feel wanted and needed.

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about running to the Lord.
I talked about how He must be the first One we run to when faced with hardship or struggles.
here's the link to that blog in case you missed it:
here's my heart

for me, thinking of running to Him when I am dealing with an outward battle is different than me running to Him when i feel insecure.

My insecurity is something that I let fester and breed inside of me.
It is my excuse for the pity parties I throw myself.
It allows me to feel justified.

and it is wrong.

I was recently talking to my friend Beka Todd about what I've been going through and struggling with, and instead of filling me up with just "you're so right" and "girl, I know," she hit me with the truth.
She hit me hard (but in the best way possible).
Because she hit me with the Gospel.
The living, moving Word of God.

//Though my heart and flesh may fail, 

the Lord is the strength of my heart 

and portion forever//

Psalm 73:26

she reminded me that

He is the One that has fought the hardest for me.
He is the One that desires me the most.

He is the One that will pursue me day after day after day.

I should never feel unwanted.

because He always wants me.

I should never feel worthless.

because He sees worth in me.

I should never feel undesirable.

because He desires my heart and soul.

I should never feel insecure.

because all of my security is in the One whom my soul longs for.

He holds me.

He comforts me.

He is an anchor.

He is a rock.

He loves me.

He is there.

Always.

When all my friends are spread out over break.

He is there.

When I am throwing myself a pity party.

He is there.

When I am sitting alone.

He is there.

He is there.

He is there.

and I am falling into Him.