something called trust.

i need to trust.

i am skipping the whole introduction part that is supposed to come at the start of a blog post.

or maybe my intro is just more forward.

who knows.

but anyway.

i need to trust.

i need to get over myself.
my desires.
my opinions.

and i need to trust.

i love taking walks.

(i swear im not just stating random facts about myself. this will all tie in in a bit. stick with me)

there is a clarity that comes when i am walking.

there is a special clarity that comes when i walk on campus.

for those who don't know,
i grew up coming to sbu with my dad for a week while he helped lead worship at a little thing called thee camp.

this campus was my playground for multiple summers.

because of this, i have many memories tied to certain parts of sbu.

this is when the clarity comes in.

tonight i walked. 
i walked along the sidewalks that i walked when i was younger.
i passed the buildings i used to sprint through.
i saw the things that my younger eyes used to see.

and it came to me.

i need to trust.

once upon a time

when i was a child

walking the same sidewalks i walked tonight

i didn't know what it looked like to not trust.

i didn't know what fear for the future felt like.

i didn't know how it felt to be unsure of myself.

and it was freeing.

i walked those sidewalks without a care in the world.

i knew God was good and i knew He had me.

because of my relationship with the Father, this same kind of carefree trust is available and attainable still.

if only it was as easy to believe that as it is to type that sentence.

instead of saying "Lord, You've got this. it's Yours."
my mind goes a little like this 

"here You go...
...wait...
i mean You've got this...
but can i just hold this corner?
are You sure that's right?
but what's next?"

i hold on with all of my might.

why?

because there is a trust issue.

and that is linked to my heart.

so let's talk about that.

if i could write a letter to my heart it would go a little something like this:

"hello heart,
i am writing to you because i need you to listen up. you are stubborn. you feel all these feelings without syncing up with mind about what those feelings may actually mean. that's not very nice of you.
heart--why do you not tune into the Lord more? why do you turn to everyone else before you turn to Him?

we need to work on that."


ok so clearly im in an odd mood tonight because i am writing to my heart.

where are you going with this, east?

i don't really know.

i think i just wanted it to be known.

that i struggle with trusting the Lord.
i struggle with trusting His timing.
i struggle with trusting His promise.

and it's not because He has failed me.
because not once has He ever failed me.
not once.

He is faithful.

so until i trust fully i will preach that to myself.

He is faithful.
He is stable.
He is truth.
He is fighting for me.
He is looking out for me.
He is planning for me.
He holds me.
He knows me.
He loves me.

so trust.
trust i must.
and trust i will.